Experiencing helplessness

Who will ever forget the uncertainty and confusion people at all levels experienced when the pandemic scare came upon the globe in 2020?

Few months before the pandemic lockdown, my mom was put into hospice care in the comfort of her own home in Dallas, TX. Mom’s deteriorating health had left us with limited choices in terms of her care. She had a history of type 2 diabetes and the fast progression of Alzheimer’s amidst the pandemic increased the complications.

I will never forget the day I decided to fly to my mom’s home, 2 months into the pandemic. I had a stronger longing to be by my mom’s side as she took her last breath because I was not able to do this for my dad 10 years ago. This time the thought of leaving my mom alone for even a few minutes in her condition would scare me every single day. I felt torn trying to find the right balance fulfilling my role as a wife, mother, and daughter. I was grateful for my family support and manager’s flexibility with my work. After work, I spent evenings by mom’s side, playing some Indian hymns that she resonated with. Her empty eyes would simply gleam love but she never said anything. She no longer recognized me nor was she responsive which caused confusion and additional pain. She was bedridden and deteriorating by the day. Would you believe that she lived months without food and water? I strongly believe there was some strong divine intervention happening in our lives at that time. However, there were times I felt choked with feelings of fear, uncertainty, and helplessness.

What coping mechanisms helped me the most?

1. Journaling: I would openly spill out all my deeper emotions onto a paper. My notebook became my best friend when I worried the most during late nights. I feared that I would wake up and find her gone.

2. Connecting with people: It was important for me to express my feeling vs. suppressing them. I felt blessed to have found additional support from some of my close friends and co-workers.

3. Sunset walks: Stepping out for 30- 60 minutes to connect with nature made me feel refreshed.

4. Breathwork: I started to understand the power of breath and would try new techniques to relieve my stress. Life is nothing but what happens between your first and last breath.

Mom decided to take her last breath on September 7th, 2022. She left peacefully with her loved ones around. I had a good closure or so I thought. The journey of grief is not easy at all, it’s real, devastating and different for everyone.  I chose to speak about my grief journey to raise awareness about this topic. No matter what you feel, express and seek the necessary support!