Pain in suffering to a higher \"meaning\"

How many of us think our families have fully expressed their grief?

As far back as I can recall from my early childhood memories from India, I vividly remember that my mom and paternal grandmother would make it a point to attend funerals/family visits whenever there was a loss. I come from a very large, close-knit family which helped foster one of my core values to support one another through both good and bad times. I also have memories of all families coordinating ritual ceremonies that lasted for 13 to 40 days. Since I was the youngest in the family, I was “sheltered” from talks of any loss. All I recall is people crying loudly and making big scenes, at least that is how I perceived losses as a child. When I came to the US at age 12, my dear grandmother in India passed away and my dad couldn’t leave the country to be there for his mom’s funeral. I don’t recall him discussing his feelings with us, but I saw him crying frequently. Within the next couple of years, I also lost my maternal grandparents here in the US when I was in my early 20s. I don’t recall my mom expressing much of her “feelings” with the family.

How did my mom and dad bear so much pain from the loss of their parents?

Honestly, I never thought of all this until after I had lost my mom in September 2021. I started to wonder as feelings of emptiness pondered upon me at this time. Because of COVID, mom’s funeral was much smaller, prioritizing the safety of our loved ones. While all this felt “normal” at that time, a couple of months later I felt the weight of many unprocessed emotions arising. The pain of giving my mom morphine around the clock for almost a week had “numbed” me. I felt so weak one morning that I had to seek help from my family as this responsibility was weighing me down. I needed to take a break so I could care for myself. I recall the day after she passed, one of my close co-workers had asked me what was my day like when I lost my mom and what that day had meant to me.

I reflected on those questions and the answer that came to me was that my mom wanted me to step away from any suffering.

I chose to step away and was inclined to visit the Buddhist Temple, which ironically represents nirvana (free from suffering and the cycle of death/rebirth). The long journey of hospice ended that very night and this last day memory also made me appreciate the true “meaning” of life (both mine and my mom’s). That day my mom gave me the strength to recognize my higher purpose. There was a sense of a higher calling that intrigued me to utilize my strengths and ability to sustain to further empower other women.

After a few short months of reflection and healing, I found “meaning” to honor the loss of my parents. I took the time to acknowledge the loss and shortly after, I started my journey to become a life coach.